So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
