My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
