a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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