I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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