My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
