im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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