the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
