were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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