Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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