I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
