sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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