Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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