Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
