my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
