you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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