You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
