I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
