my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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