There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
