I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
