I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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