it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
