Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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