I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
