Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
