There was a lot of him and a little penis
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There r osticjed everywhere
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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