Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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