I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
