hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you win again, gameday.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
