I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
