Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
