theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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