When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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