My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
