just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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