I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've blown a few things in my day
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
