This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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