A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
