What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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