First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
