What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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