Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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