Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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