If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
