So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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