Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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