He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
