mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
