I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
