My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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