Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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