Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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